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AL13N Tori felt EIRSELF stroking Ezhno's leg with EIR pinky finger,
Posted at: 2008-07-30 15:30:30
AL13N Catori, however, wasn't exactly yearning for sleep. Eir mind kept jumping to the human remains – Ezhno had left them in the Temple, with the dragon corpses. Ey hoped the Temple was as secure as Ez insisted – Catori wouldn't be able to live with EIRSELF if the remains were ravaged yet again. A particularly strong screech made Tori shudder where ey lay.
Posted at: 2008-07-30 15:23:31
-M ===== General corrections: ----- palates = pallets appearance was startling similar = appearance was startlingly similar sitting on the palate = sitting on the pallet There's precautions, there were guns = There were precautions, there were guns ===== Pronoun errors: ----- shudder where he lay = shudder where ey lay until ey was sitting = until he was sitting Tori felt himself stroking Ezhno's leg with his pinky finger = Tori felt eirself stroking Ezhno's leg with eir pinky finger ===== Suggestions: ----- it only felt right = it felt only right (connotation is different to me) Ey hadn't seen them since. And so ey'd nearly jumped out of eir skin when fingers brush Catori's body from behind. = Catori hadn't seen them since and so ey'd nearly jumped out of eir skin when fingers brushed ey's body from behind. none of them had discharged = none of them were discharged (not sure if this is an error but it reads smoother with "were" to me) becoming louder, faster, more furtive = becoming louder, faster, more persistent OR becoming louder, faster, more pleading (furtive would be quiet/sneaky and you just said he was getting louder) Tori'd just have to be extra careful. = Tori would just have to be extra careful. (While there is no error, I find it is easier to read without the contraction.)
Posted at: 2008-07-23 10:47:36
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