Chapter three of summer graves

Commenting Guidelines:

1. Please don't spam the site.
2. Keep in mind that this is a rough draft.
3. Let me know what you loved and hated.
4. Have fun!

Arielle Unfortunately, I had to take genetics last semester, so I know more than I want to know. Using that knowledge at least a little bit helps me think I didn't completely waste my time in that class. I'm looking forward to more. :D
Posted at: 2008-06-04 17:09:36

Morgan O'Friel When writing the gnp's I tend to get too into it. It'll take me awhile to get going (the slips you guys see), but once I do, I start using them for everything -- and then have to go back and adjust them. ^^;; Thanks for the information on DNA and traits. Science is definitely not my strong point. I'll definitely cut out the bit about it being recessive -- though the traits thing comes into play later on, so it'll probably stay. Heehee-- and thanks for catching the super-glue thing. I love the word amalgamated, so I'm going with that. Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting. ^^
Posted at: 2008-06-03 22:46:51

Arielle I'm liking it so far. Getting used to the pronouns is tricky, but as I read more, it seems to get easier to understand. I imagine it's harder writing it than reading it. Here's what bothered me, not meaning to nitpick or anything, but : “Deathworking is a recessive trait, passed through the blood. If your mother had it, you do, too,” I am assuming that you mean that deathworking is only passed from the mother to the child, such as mitochondrial DNA. It wouldn't matter if the trait was dominant or recessive, because it would be passed on to the child, no matter what the father was, since the father would be contributing no blood to the child. I would suggest not even adding an element that "traits" could be passed through the blood, and instead saying that it is a capability or talent. (Unless the inherited traits through blood plays a larger part later in the story. If it does, then just disregard this.) Also, you used the term "super-glued." I'm not sure what time period you have your story set. Do they have super glue? :P ("But the shrieks of the bones, the whispers of more secrets if ey followed their call, and the super-glued souls hadn't left Catori with much of a choice. " Maybe..."fused" or "amalgamated" or "merged?" I subscribed, so I'll be keeping up with the chapters. Great artwork and I like your work so far.
Posted at: 2008-05-31 15:13:50

Morgan Thanks for letting me know. I think I'm going to have to start hunting those darn pronouns down with a comb, heehee. ^^;;
Posted at: 2008-05-31 14:56:03

mev One pronoun issue, one confusing sentence: "Ey'd slipped out of his Order-sponsored housing..." If i'm understanding the pronouns correctly that should not be his. "He ran his fingers over his face, careful to avoid the burnt horns that rimmed Ezhno's skull. " putting the name at the end of the sentence is confusing, making it confusing as to who is touching whose face (to me). Very interesting story so far and i look forward to reading more.
Posted at: 2008-05-30 10:36:14

Name:
Email:	subscribe
Comment:

SimpleCMS | Subscribe to RSS | Texty

Footer